Remember the fairy tales you heard as a little girl: Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella?  Mr. Prince Charming would gallop in on his white horse, rescue the helpless, damsel in distress, and they would live happily ever after.  But in real life, things don’t always go according to plan.

Friendships end, marriages fail, and family members disappoint; and sometimes you’re the only one left standing.  When you rely on others for your happiness, you not only suffer the loss of the relationship, your self-esteem and sense of worth also become casualties.

“Whether it’s biological or societal, forming and maintaining relationships are a woman’s stomping ground,” says Marriage and Relationship Therapist Alisa Ruby Bash.  “As little girls, we learn to look to our peers and role models to determine how to look, act, feel and be in the world.  After so many years of trying to fit in, it can be a complete shock to the system to out yourself as a unique being with your own interests, talents, beliefs and desires, especially when they don’t reflect typical ideals, or what your parents always wanted you to be,” she says.

More and more women are taking control of their careers: running multimillion-dollar corporations and trading in their corner office to strike out on their own.  However, applying these same principles to matters of the heart and personal endeavors can be challenging.  We live in a culture inundated with messages that a woman’s success is determined by her job title, physical attractiveness, or marital status, causing even the most confident woman to question her worth at one time or another.

Here are three ways to strengthen your defense system when you’re faced with life’s difficulties:

Act Your Way into Feeling
The key to building inner strength and a strong sense of self is to “act your way into feeling,” says Bash.  It’s important to show yourself you can survive and even thrive in situations where you feel uncomfortable.  Doing things that require you to step outside of your comfort zone will make you feel empowered and courageous.  As a result, you’ll start to develop a greater appreciation of who you are and you become less occupied with what other people think and more concerned about pleasing yourself.

Just Say Yes
For women looking to find their passion, Bash suggests recording everything that appeals to you – from places that inspire you to images in a magazine that reflect your desires.  Think of the world as your visual playground, making note of what you love and what you would like to manifest in the near future.  Also, don’t be afraid to try new things, and make it a habit to do at least one new thing each month.  When tapping into your desires, consider those things you did as a little girl that kept you entertained for hours.  The idea is to identify and explore the things that make you happy, so you can learn how to satisfy your own needs instead of relying on others.

Live by Your Own Vision and Values
Dr. Robyn McKay, award-winning creativity coach walked out of a seven-year-marriage after suddenly realizing she was living a life meant for someone else.  It was only after uncovering her own purpose to help others connect to their creative spirit that she was able to find the courage to go back to school and get her degree in counseling psychology.  “I was more afraid of what I’d become if I stayed,” she says.

Oftentimes, the things we’re investing our time and energy in are not congruent to our values and what’s important to us.  To begin making the shift towards activities that nourish your soul, Dr. McKay recommends that women incorporate mindfulness into their daily routines.  Pay attention to your co-dependent patterns.  Ask yourself, “How much time am I spending trying to please others or doing things that don’t reflect my values?”

Many of us are living on autopilot, so when you notice your mind is beginning to shift away from your present experience you can refocus your attention by using the breath says Dr. McKay.  Inhale deeply and observe the cool patch of air against your nostrils as you exhale.  Cultivating presence in our everyday activities creates a container for self-awareness that allows us to develop trust in ourselves.  As a result, our self-esteem is no longer at the mercy of other people’s opinions.

Regardless of your relationship status, the source of your happiness lies within.  People may come and go, but the one thing that will remain constant in your life is the relationship you have with yourself, so make it your number one priority.

It starts off innocently enough: You slack off at the gym, you postpone your career planning, or you put off plans with friends to keep your schedule clear for your new beau.  Before you know it, you’ve become so preoccupied with a new romance that you’ve neglected your family, your friends, and your life. While you may have gained an exciting new relationship, you’ve lost your most important asset –you.

So why is individuality important in a relationship?  “Your partner doesn’t want just a piece of a woman, they want the whole package,” says VH1 personality and peak performance consultant, Alison Arnold, also known as “Doc Ali.”  ”There are times for compromising and times for voicing who you are loud and proud.  Remember, your new relationship was attracted to you, so don’t hesitate to introduce your new flame to things that excite you and make you special.”

The Complete Package
The key to maintaining your self-identity is to first assess your relationship readiness.   Be sure you have a sense of what you love to do, whom you love to do it with, and how a man can compliment that, rather than fill a void in your life, suggests Doc Ali.  She recommends that women assess their lives by asking themselves the following questions: “When do I feel the most rewarded and have the most fun?” and ”What is most important to me?”  Healthy men are attracted to confident women that have “got it going on.” 

Self-Preservation
New romances are beautiful: staring into each other’s eyes, butterflies in your stomach when you see their number on your caller ID, staying up until 4 AM and not caring that you’ll be exhausted the next day at work, says Doc Ali.  “I’m all for enjoying the magic of a new romance, but don’t get so lost in it that you’ve already planned the honeymoon, named the kids, and it’s only your fourth date,” she warns.

Doc Ali offers the following tips for staying balanced when you’re in the throes of a new love:

1.  Make and keep weekly dates with friends. Use it as a time to share stories and get feedback.

2. As much as you’re tempted, don’t cancel regularly scheduled activities. Keep going to the gym, playing softball on Wednesdays, or whatever you do that fuels you as an individual.

3. Keep reminding yourself that a little distance builds up a lot of longing and excitement. Staying busy sends the message that you are a confident, strong woman with a lot to offer.

Journey Back to You
Sometimes we lose ourselves unexpectedly. Our hobbies, interests and friends can fall by the wayside just as quickly as our new romance began. If you feel as if you’ve become lost in a relationship, begin to rebuild by reaching out and taking risks says Doc Ali.  Call old friends even if you think they’ll be mad at you; or do something you’ve always wanted to do but were afraid to such as surfing or skydiving.  Each time you step outside of your comfort zone, you’ll feel yourself getting stronger and stronger.

Becoming too dependent on a partner for all of your emotional, social, intellectual and sexual needs is a lot of weight to bear for even the healthiest of partnerships.  However, staying connected to friends and colleagues keep the scales balanced.  Your friends will always be your greatest mirrors, telling you when you are on and off target.  They also help you remember who you are and what you stand for when you begin to get lost.  Challenge yourself to remember who you are again, and come home to your true self.

Everything in life is negotiable: your salary, the final price you pay for a car, and even the amount of time you spend with a mate.  The secret to achieving success in everyday negotiations is to know what you want and ask for it! 

Many women avoid using their bargaining power due to a lack of confidence and a fear of rejection proving to be costly, especially when it comes to their careers.  According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the average woman working full-time only earns 77 cents for every dollar that a man makes.  Women have to “act as their own agent,” says Alison Covarrubias, founder of the The Hatch Network.  “Pretend you are speaking on the behalf of your sister or best friend.”

Upgrade Your Income
“Negotiating can be a huge source of empowerment and enhance your life in many ways,” says Sharon Kedar, co-author of On My Own Two Feet: A Modern Girl’s Guide to Personal Finance.  Kedar suggests the best time to negotiate salary is when receiving your initial job offer. She adds that the most effective way to tip the scales in your favor is to do your homework. Before interviewing, make sure you’ve done your research on the typical salary range for your desired position using Web sites such as Salary.com.  Once the offer is on the table, thank your perspective employer for the opportunity and convey your enthusiasm for becoming a part of the team.  Then advise your research indicates that the typical pay range for the position is “x” amount of dollars and that’s where you’d like to be in terms of compensation.  

Your strategy when asking for a raise should be to present the facts, says Kedar.  For successful negotiation, a woman needs to know her worth and understand her significance to the company.  You can demonstrate your value by documenting your achievements and contributions. While it’s important to remain assertive, it’s equally advantageous to approach this topic with a sense of gratitude.  Avoid giving an ultimatum, warns Kedar, it’s not effective and could actually backfire – even put you out of a job.  

Maximize Your Spending Power
Before heading to the dealership to buy that brand new car, establish a budget.  Most likely, you’ll have to take out a car loan in which case you should shop around. Gather quotes from various Web sites such as Autoweb.comand Carsdirect.com.  Kedar recommends keeping car-related expenses — purchase price, gas, insurance parking tolls and maintenance — to 10 percent or less of your total gross income.  For example, if your annual income is $40,000 and you’ve qualified for an eight percent interest rate on a car loan, the total purchase price of the car should be no more than $14, 400.  Once you’ve determined how much you can afford, proceed to the dealership with a friend or family member for support.

Set boundaries on your relationships
While negotiating with your partner may seem unromantic, it’s important to communicate your needs and wants.  Make yourself a priority and set boundaries before entering relationships.  If you have a certain night
you like to hang out with friends or go to the gym, stick to your schedule.  Let your mate know that while you enjoy their company, you need personal time to pursue side hobbies and interests.  Setting limitations will help you maintain your self-identity and get the love you deserve instead of what you’re willing to accept.  

From your boss, to your boyfriend, to the car salesman at the dealership, opportunities for negotiation are always lurking in the background.  Your ability to stand firm in what you want and to recognize your true worth could be the difference between a fulfilling and prosperous life and complete misery.