It starts off innocently enough: You slack off at the gym, you postpone your career planning, or you put off plans with friends to keep your schedule clear for your new beau. Before you know it, you’ve become so preoccupied with a new romance that you’ve neglected your family, your friends, and your life. While you may have gained an exciting new relationship, you’ve lost your most important asset –you.
So why is individuality important in a relationship? “Your partner doesn’t want just a piece of a woman, they want the whole package,” says VH1 personality and peak performance consultant, Alison Arnold, also known as “Doc Ali.” ”There are times for compromising and times for voicing who you are loud and proud. Remember, your new relationship was attracted to you, so don’t hesitate to introduce your new flame to things that excite you and make you special.”
The Complete Package
The key to maintaining your self-identity is to first assess your relationship readiness. Be sure you have a sense of what you love to do, whom you love to do it with, and how a man can compliment that, rather than fill a void in your life, suggests Doc Ali. She recommends that women assess their lives by asking themselves the following questions: “When do I feel the most rewarded and have the most fun?” and ”What is most important to me?” Healthy men are attracted to confident women that have “got it going on.”
Self-Preservation
New romances are beautiful: staring into each other’s eyes, butterflies in your stomach when you see their number on your caller ID, staying up until 4 AM and not caring that you’ll be exhausted the next day at work, says Doc Ali. “I’m all for enjoying the magic of a new romance, but don’t get so lost in it that you’ve already planned the honeymoon, named the kids, and it’s only your fourth date,” she warns.
Doc Ali offers the following tips for staying balanced when you’re in the throes of a new love:
1. Make and keep weekly dates with friends. Use it as a time to share stories and get feedback.
2. As much as you’re tempted, don’t cancel regularly scheduled activities. Keep going to the gym, playing softball on Wednesdays, or whatever you do that fuels you as an individual.
3. Keep reminding yourself that a little distance builds up a lot of longing and excitement. Staying busy sends the message that you are a confident, strong woman with a lot to offer.
Journey Back to You
Sometimes we lose ourselves unexpectedly. Our hobbies, interests and friends can fall by the wayside just as quickly as our new romance began. If you feel as if you’ve become lost in a relationship, begin to rebuild by reaching out and taking risks says Doc Ali. Call old friends even if you think they’ll be mad at you; or do something you’ve always wanted to do but were afraid to such as surfing or skydiving. Each time you step outside of your comfort zone, you’ll feel yourself getting stronger and stronger.
Becoming too dependent on a partner for all of your emotional, social, intellectual and sexual needs is a lot of weight to bear for even the healthiest of partnerships. However, staying connected to friends and colleagues keep the scales balanced. Your friends will always be your greatest mirrors, telling you when you are on and off target. They also help you remember who you are and what you stand for when you begin to get lost. Challenge yourself to remember who you are again, and come home to your true self.